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Writing Resources from Fifteen Minutes of Fiction

The following is a piece of writing submitted by Brian Sloan on September 22, 2014
"Had fun with this one. Always a great population to lampoon."

Water, Water Everywhere! Like, yuck!

Oh. My. Gosh.

Tonight was like, totally the worst date ever. Seriously, like, how can you be this dumb? I don't even know why I give Tony the time of day, let alone let him ask me out. He's like, so not popular or cool, and now I see why!

Dinner was totally the worst thing in history. We went to this Italian place, which was okay I guess, but services was like, slower than my dad getting out of his stupid chair, and so we had to sit there and talk. And he is SO BORING. OH MY GOSH. Seriously, you should at least be interesting if you're going to ask me out. But like, what a loser. He didn't even know that Melinda and Brad are going out. What kind of a hole does someone like that live in? I bet he's never even heard of like, Taylor Swift or anyone.

Anyways, he kept trying to talk like an idiot until the food FINALLY got there, and then when we were done we were going home, but like it was raining a lot and the highway was closed for some dumb reason, like whatever it's just some rain, dummies! But I couldn't go home so like he brought me back to his house and we sat there watching stupid T.V. shows with his old smelly grandmother. Like, could this date get any worse? I hope he doesn't try to kiss me, yuck. Like I'd ever kiss someone so stupid and boring.

So anyways we were sitting in his stupid living room watching stupid T.V. when the roof began to leak. I kid you not, water was falling from the roof. What kind of like, broke family is Toby from? Now I see why he's not cool or anything. What a loser. And then all of a sudden I look out the window and there's water like a foot high outside! Oh my gosh. I freaked out a little bit, seriously. Then suddenly the glass broke and freaking water was pouring in! Ugh!

And it was filling up really fast and stuff, like water was just flooding in, almost like a flood. So we kind of looked at each other for a moment then I was like "What are we going to do," because he's smart and good at science or whatever so he should know these things! But the water was rising really fast so we had to decide fast, so he bolts over to the stupid basement door and opens that, like what does he think he's doing, the water's going to go down there idiot. But he opens it anyways and like the water's pouring in there, which I guess was a good thing because then it wasn't rising as fast and stuff, but he gets swept down there with it because he's dumb. His grandmother's somewhere I don't even know at this point but there's broken glass everywhere and the stupid stairs collapsed because Toby's family is poor and has no money to fix their house or whatever. Stupid Toby.

He comes swimming back up from the basement after awhile with a ladder, and like what is this ladder going to do to help, right? He can't fix the stupid broken door with a ladder. But he points up to the roof and there's a small like, trap door or something built in the roof. What kind of person's house would have a stupid door in the roof anyways? But he sets up the stupid ladder and starts climbing up and grabs my hand, like yuck, but I don't have time to deal with his stupid hand because the water's like, up to my waste and we have to start getting out of there. So he climbs up and opens the door on to the roof, and climbs up, and shouts down at me, but I can't hear whatever his stupid voice is saying because there's like wind and stuff because of this storm. So I'm climbing up and the ladder starts to slip just as I'm almost out. And I start falling but stupid Toby still has my hand in his hand, and he helps me climb up onto the roof. I guess he can do some things right sometimes. Then we sort of bumped into each other, and our lips might have touched. It was an accident, okay! It was windy and things were blowing around. It's not like I kissed him or anything, ugh! Yuck! I mean, I guess he did save my life and stuff but still, ew no.

That was totally the worst date ever. He asked me out again, and I'm probably going to say no, but maybe I'll say yes just because it will be the best thing to ever happen to him in his stupid life, and I feel bad for how lame he is. I'd be doing him a favor, really. This should count as community service. But like he wants to go see that new movie on Friday, and I kind of want to see it too, so maybe I'll go with him. But I am not going to kiss him again, he's still totally gross and not cool.

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