Writing Resources from Fifteen Minutes of Fiction

Medicine in the Kitchen

Imagine if everything in life was subject to the cautionary measures of medicine...

Good morning, I'm Stove. We will be working together today. I'd also like to introduce Sink, Counter, Frying Pan, and Spatula. You should know that Spoon, Fork, and Whisk could also be part of your team today. Do you have any questions?

Before we get started, I'd like to ask you to sign this privacy notice, informing you that while we will never voluntarily share any kitchen failures without your permission, we are not responsible for any accidental disclosure as a result of wafting odors or observation by thru-traffic in the kitchen. Do you have any questions?

I'll be helping you make scrambled eggs today, but I must first warn you of the risks and benefits of using my services. Common risks include minor scrapes, overheating due to standing too close, disillusionment with the finished product, and occasionally a minor burn. More serious but very rare risks include possible heat damage to other utensils, a lingering odor of carbon or sulfur due to overcooking, and catching your hair or other local products on fire. This risk is less than 1 in 1 million, and primarily occurs in members of the male sex. Do you have any questions? Are you sure you don't have any questions? We must also ask for your permission to dial 911 in case of a house fire or a severe burn emergency. Sign here.

Benefits of using my services are an increased efficiency, more even cooking when compared to the more traditional campfire, and quicker results. Depending on your own experiences and skills, benefits can also include a delicious meal. On the flip side, we take no responsibility for the risk of obesity that is the result of continued use if the meal proves to be too delicious.

Do you have any questions? Are you sure? Sign and print, date and time, and have a witness also sign, here.

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